Marital Secrets

We have been married over 46 years.

Congratulations! To remain in marriage for so long in our decadent society is an achievement worthy of honor.

We had a good relationship in the first years, almost as you express in your webpage. About 15 years ago things changed. I lost a job and at the same time she was going through “the change.” I tried to get her to talk about it and was told it was her problem and she would handle it. My response was, “No, it is not just your problem. And no, you are not handling it.” She told me we were through with sex, it is for younger people.

Research shows that it’s older men who tend to give up sex. Women usually keep going and going. I’m wondering whether due to vaginal dryness, or whatever, she found intercourse painful. I suspect there is a large medical component associated with her losing interest. I cannot believe she is happy with this situation. I’m sure she would love a return to the old days, but has given up hope of an improvement.

I have not gone to other women or the bottle as most.

Excellent. Have you, however, been able to maintain your love and tenderness and patience and understanding?

We have had much communication troubles that only got worse.

I wonder if your wife feels some resentment coming from you. I wonder if she feels unloved and not understood. I suspect she feels bad about herself – feels a failure, unattractive, etc. I think she needs to be romanced and have her self esteem built up. I have a number of webpages that could help her, such as To God, You Are Special.

I was able to finally get her into counseling and to enrichment seminar. I asked her for a commitment, only to find out she thought that just going was all that it took.

That must have been heartbreaking for you. At least she went, however.

I haven’t accused her of defrauding me, but there is no doubt in my mind that this is a sin that must be dealt with.

As you know, Jesus emphasized that we must focus on our own shortcomings rather than those of other people.

I want to thank you for the excellent webpages about marriage. You have a gift for communicating that is outstanding. I like the way you use the Scripture and will give this to others that I know are hurting.

Thank you. I would hate for my webpages to be used as weapons to try to bludgeon a partner to change. My longing is for each reader to apply it to his/her own life, and not point the finger.

Please don’t beat your dear wife with Scriptures. Giving way to a holier-than-thou attitude would greatly worsen the situation. Your wife is hurting and needs your love and support.

I have an internet friend who has suffered enormously due to her husband’s mid-life crisis. Things are very much improving now but she had a tough battle for many years. She has formed a little group of Christian women who are similarly suffering from their husband’s mid-life crisis. I wondered if she has any suggestions for when the roles are reversed.

After removing anything to identify you, I forwarded your e-mail to her. Her response is brilliant:

A couple I am close to have a similar problem to your friend. They sleep in separate bedrooms now and their marriage is pretty much a housemate relationship. They have little in common and it seems very sad. She still loves him. I’m not sure about him. I think he’s been hurt so much that he’d not even be interested if she changed now. He’s accepted things the way they are.

From my experience, what more than anything else makes a woman love a man and want him physically is for him to talk to her – to give her his undivided attention and make her know that he is interested in what she has to say. I don’t mean just chatting, although that’s important. He needs to take her out for dinner and look into her eyes at the table and make interesting conversation – not about the kids or the bills, but as if he were with someone he enjoyed being with and was very interested in her opinions. He needs to hang on every word. That will make her feel loved. Also, he needs to go very slow. Just because they have a wonderful conversation one night does not mean that she will respond. He’s got to change his ways and that takes time. She will not believe he has done it overnight.

Women don’t like to be rushed in any way. He needs to make her feel like he has all the time in the world for her.

Another most valuable thing is simply cuddling, holding hands, and making her feel special by holding open doors, complimenting her, and so on. Honoring her in front of others does wonders for a woman.

Additional Thought: Especially regarding what is done in public, be sensitive to any shyness your wife may have. What for one woman could make her feel special – such as sending flowers to her workplace – could for another be painfully embarrassing. – Grantley

Of course he needs to pray that God to give him green and red lights. If he really gets into the word of God, I believe that it will affect his thinking, and as he continues to pray, those signals will automatically come. God will tell him when to push, when to wait, when to hesitate. He will learn to recognize what God is telling him to do regarding his wife. I suspect far too few men and women pray about their sex life.

The above are the kinds of things that would draw me. That’s all I can say. She must be valued. And if she feels like the only value she has is physical, then that is the last thing she will want. If he’s been nagging her about it, or making her feel guilty, he needs to stop and not bring it up till he gains her trust again. I’d advise him to do all he can with no thoughts of initiating sex. Wait for her to bring it up. She needs love, not sex, right now.

Additional Thought: Pay much attention to your wife’s feelings. For instance, it’s not nearly enough that she be treasured by you, she needs to feel treasured. Often it is what to a husband seems inconsequential things that convey this feeling to her. To give another example: it’s not enough that you would never hit her, she must feel safe. Even a slight display of anger on your part might make her feel frightened. It’s not sufficient for you to know your anger would never get out of hand, she must feel certain. This might mean that for her to feel really secure, you must control your emotions far more than what to you seems necessary. Always consider not just reality as you know it but how it feels to your wife.

I recall hearing of research that concluded that the single greatest determiner of when a woman whether experience orgasm is the degree of security she feels in a relationship. Your wife needs to feel secure in your love. She needs to feel she is not being compared with other woman and that your love for her is forever. In order to flourish she needs the security of unconditional love. – Grantley

Please thank your friend for me. She is a very sharp lady.

My wife had her uterus removed and I know she has had trouble with the change. I have been as loving and understanding as I know how. She just will not discuss things with me. I have read many books and articles dealing with our problems in an attempt to get a better understanding. She just cuts me off .

I commend you for all you have done. Many a husband would not have used his initiative like that. Through your research you most likely understand the medical side better than I do. Have you thought of alerting your wife’s doctor to her behavior? That way when she next has a medical appointment the doctor might have some suggestions for change of medication or whatever. I’m no expert with medical ethics, so I leave it to you to sort out the merit of this suggestion.

Given your wisdom, I think you are sure to have tried a version of the following but maybe it’s worth one more shot.

Perhaps your wife has some deep hurt or resentment toward you that you are not aware of. As is the case with virtually every husband sometimes, it’s possible that she mentioned the matter years ago but you did not realize how big an issue it is with her. If there is something that to her mind has not yet been resolved, she has no doubt wrongly given up all hope of you ever changing and so she will see little point in bringing it up. It could therefore take a truckload of humility, gentleness and patience on your part to entice her to re-open the matter. Just to double check whether there is such an issue, maybe you could try saying to your wife something like the following. (I’ve worded it assuming you’re an excellent husband, but like the rest of humanity, not perfect.)

I wish I’d been a better husband to you. You deserve the best husband in the world. I’m deeply sorry for the times I’m know I’ve disappointed you. [You could add some examples here if you wish.] I’m even more concerned, however, about the times I have let you down and that even now I’m too insensitive to realize how much it’s hurt you. I’d like to apologize, do what I can to make amends and try to learn from what you share so that I don’t repeat my mistakes. Would you mind reminding me of all the times I have hurt you?

It would be very hard on any husband if a wife were to go full throttle listing all of his mistakes. Nevertheless, it could be that if she got started and found you weren’t fighting back she might eventually get to the real sticking point, if there is one.

Through my suffering I have come closer to God and am in a position to help others that are hurting. The suffering has a purpose, that is to prepare us for the ministry of help for others.

That’s beautiful! A treasured member of my prayer team has chosen to forego marital relations because of his wife’s long-standing medical condition. He, too, reports immense spiritual blessings stemming from his voluntary sacrifice.

You are right: suffering has immense value. Of course, God did not cause your wife to act this way, but once we are in a trial, our Lord doesn’t waste our tears. On the contrary, he sends special blessings. When looking for counselors I always seek out people who have known great pain or hardship. They are the ones who know how to minister God’s comfort.

I would like you to receive prayer support. I have established a large prayer team, scattered all over the globe. They would count it a privilege to uphold you in prayer.

I urge you to read If only he knew by Gary Smalley, published by R.M. Marketing, 1979. It explains in detail how to revive a woman’s interest in sex.

May the Lord bless you and your ministry. It sure has blessed me. Thanks for letting the Lord use you in a mighty way.

Thank you for your kind encouragement. For our wonderful Lord to use me is an undeserved privilege.

For important further information, see How to Boost Your Wife’s Libido and links at the end of that page

How to Fall More in Love with God Contains helpful practical suggestions for re-igniting marital love.

Your wife might find the first part of the following webpage helpful. Be very cautious and wise, however about how you introduce it to her: