Complications

We have seen Scriptural precedence for denying oneself within marriage, but this comes with strict provisos. Both must agree and even then it should only be temporary. Perhaps I could make another concession in favor of abstinence from a particular act, while still following what seems in the spirit of this Scripture: I could possibly say that for as long as the one craving the disputed sexual expression feels able to easily resist temptation and is happy to continue to abstain, they can do so. To remain within the spirit of this Scripture, however, should we add the proviso that both should be agreed that the moment the one vulnerable to temptation says, “I need it,” the other will lovingly, ungrudgingly and non-judgmentally do his/her utmost to fully satisfy the partner in the manner the partner craves? Should they pray in faith that if the partner reaches this point it is God’s sign that he approves of them proceeding?

Here’s another complication: what if the reluctant partner so detests the act that it becomes a temptation for him/her to end the marriage? One partner is exposed to temptation if they abstain, the other is exposed to temptation if they don’t abstain.

Habits, mindsets and satanic deception are powerful forces that should not be underestimated. If we offer a half-hearted prayer in which our selfish pleasure is paramount, we’re on thin ice. God might ignore hypocritical prayer. On the other hand, there’s no point praying if we think God is so weak or uncaring that he would let Satan jump in and “answer” sincere prayer. The bottom line is that our God is all-powerful and he loves to respond to the prayers of those who with a pure heart are willing to surrender all, for his glory. The God we serve is able to change both our cravings and our prejudices.

Not you, not your partner, but God alone fully understands your marriage and all the factors involved. Although I’ll alert you to a few possibilities, only God has perfect understanding and, more importantly, your perfect solution. There are things we don’t know but what we do know is that God is on your side, and with few exceptions (such as if you’re unmarried!) he is fully in favor of you enjoying his gift of sex.

Relevant Scriptures?

A tragic accident renders Ron a quadriplegic. Suddenly he is medically quite incapable of satisfying his wife, Debbie, except by what they had always regarded as totally unacceptable behavior. Debbie thinks she could have coped had she still been a virgin, but the great sex life they had prior to her husband’s disability has heightened her desires. Ron is almost beside himself with feelings of inadequacy, guilt and concern, knowing it’s his physical inadequacy that is depriving his wife. The accident has greatly stressed their marriage. Debbie now has to do so much for Ron and he can’t bear to add total sexual deprivation to the long list of things Debbie suffers because his is disabled. Should Ron abandon previous taboos and attempt whatever he now can do to satisfy his wife?

Let’s have another look at Leviticus 18:22:

Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.

That’s a fairly literal rendering of the original Hebrew wording. By the expression, “as one lies with a woman,” what homosexuals do to each other is treated as being physically indistinguishable from what heterosexuals do. What is mentioned as being sinful is who it is done with (ie a member of the same sex), not the nature of the act itself. Does this imply the same act could be performed within heterosexual marriage with God’s blessing?

Any loudmouth can speculate what, if any, significance should be placed on God’s choice of wording in this Scripture. I personally lack the authority in God to make pronouncements based on so few words. Our Lord usually shares his secrets on a need-to-know basis. If you need to know, however, you can expect to hear God’s answer.

It is sometimes suggested that mention in the Song of Songs of “grazing among the lilies” (2:16; 6:3) is a poetic allusion to oral sex. There is nothing in the Hebrew text that demands such an interpretation. To authoritatively declare this to be the meaning, a person would almost be claiming to be able to read the writer’s mind. Ultimately, the writer is the same Holy Spirit who indwells us, so it is not impossible to plumb the depths of what is meant. Nevertheless, it is easy to confuse presumption and personal bias with the Spirit’s leading.

Gwen’s husband wanted something in lovemaking that threw her into confusion. “I didn't know if this was right or not, she explains, “He wasn't saved so I prayed and prayed about it. I searched the Bible and what I found was Hebrews 13:4:”

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

“I took that as my answer that in God’s eyes it is pure and I had no more problems with it. I think the Holy Spirit would let us know if it was wrong.”

Jillian, on the other hand, cited that same Scripture as proof that God strongly opposed that very behavior that Gwen found peace about and now treasures as a gift from God.

What can we make of such opposite views from Bible-believing Christians who long to please God? Let’s examine the possibilities.

It’s not impossible that Gwen’s understanding of what God was telling her was colored by pressure she felt from unspiritual sources, such as her husband. It may be significant, however, that Jillian had not earnestly sought God on the matter, neither has she a husband who wants the act. In fact, she is single. Jillian also admitted to being influenced by claims that during exorcisms demons had “confessed” to entering people as a result of such behavior. This is a most disturbing claim. None of us would want to do anything that opens us up to the demonic. It seems rather odd, however, for Christians to let what they themselves believe to be the words of demons influence their evaluation of what is godly. Is it mere coincidence that Paul labeled as “things taught by demons” the forbidding of legitimate pleasures? Paul even mentioned marriage in this context (full context). “For everything God created is good,” explained Paul, “and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer” (1 Timothy 4:4-5). On the other extreme, one must be careful not to stretch “everything” beyond God’s intention. It clearly does not include homosexuality, for instance.

Hidden Pressures Behind Sexual Experimentation

Experimentation is an expression of our glory as humans. Because it is showing creativity, it is a celebration of the thrilling fact that we are made in the image of the Creator. This does not, of course, mean all experimentation is right, but it means at least some types of experimentation are good. One of our motives for sexual experimentation, however, could be insecurity. We should address this deeper matter rather than limit ourselves to surface issues. To highlight some important points, I will adapt an e-mail exchange I had with a woman. She wrote:

I have a lot of religious hang-ups and I just wish someone would clearly say "x" is right and "y" is wrong.

I replied:

I deeply identify with your longing. If these things were spelled out in the Bible it would seem to remove so much frustrating uncertainly. If, however, the Bible is God’s perfect Word, it is perfect not only in what is says, but in what it does not say. God’s choice of what not to set out in black and white is as much a manifestation of his love and wisdom as any part of his Holy Word.

A most beautiful consequence of God not specifically saying “thou shalt” or “thou shalt not” is that it drives us to seek not ink and paper but the very heart of God himself. We desperately need the written Word to keep us from deception and to set our general course, but God has ordained that for us to make necessary fine course adjustments requires the height of intimacy with our Lord. Above everything, the Lord longs for our fellowship and, whilst he does not want us to be anxious, if these uncertainties cause us to seek him more, he’s delighted!

In our frustration, we are tempted to want a human to do what God has chosen not to do – reveal the heart of God without us passionately seeking the Lord. I dare not go beyond the Bible in giving moral pronouncements because that is dangerously encroaching on the sole right of God. It would be like a child I don’t know e-mailing me about what is the proper time for her go to bed each night. I might have strong views, but for me to nominate a time would be to violate her parents’ rights and risk their anger by either implying they are too strict or too lenient.

Beside the insult it is to God for anyone to go beyond God’s Word in making moral pronouncements for others, the obvious problem is who could we trust to make correct judgments? Any fool can make moral pronouncements, but the truth is that we have one Judge and one Law Maker and it is to him that you should look. And if someone were capable of being God’s personal spokesperson to you, he or she would be robbing you of a divinely-initiated motivation to get so close to God that you hear his gentlest whisper and to involve him in the most intimate part of your life.

I have never loved my husband so much. It took me almost three years of marriage to feel comfortable enough to show my husband what makes me feel good. When I did he was thrilled! I look back and think of all the fun I missed out on. When he first wanted to try these different things with me I felt very embarrassed but he just kept lovingly trying to get me to try it and I really do enjoy it. However, is it wrong or perverse for us to use things during intercourse such as dildos? He enjoys watching me have such pleasure and I don’t mind, so is it something that we should not do?

For the reasons stated above I dare not to presume to usurp God’s authority by making a moral pronouncement. What I would like to do, however, is to address the issue, not from the moral perspective, but from the psychological. This is most important because it is almost certainly a factor behind your husband’s desire for this type of sex.

When we think of a problem unique to the opposite sex we are often tempted to take on an air of superiority because our gender doesn’t have that specific weakness. Usually, however, our own gender wrestles with something very similar and our tendency to feel superior to the opposite sex is quite unfounded. So I’ll commence by citing a female equivalent of the male dilemma. Almost all women worry that their partner might find some other woman’s breasts more desirable than their own. They long to know that their breasts thrill their husband at least as much as those of any other woman. They also have hanging over their head, however, the fear that one day cancer might rob them of a breast. So although women usually have a great need to know that their husbands are thrilled with their breasts, these same women also need to know that their husbands’ enjoyment of their breasts is not so great that a mastectomy would significantly reduce their husbands’ ability to delight in them as sexual partners.

Now for the male equivalent. Almost every man is worried that his wife might prefer a sex toy to his equipment, or prefer a man who was larger, or a man more able to last longer. And constantly lurking in the shadows of his mind is the possibility that one day he might suffer impotency. So there could be two, almost opposite concerns taunting your husband, even though he might be barely conscious of them. One concern is that you might secretly prefer a sex toy to his equipment. The other concern is that one day impotence might render him unable to use orthodox means of sexually relating to the wife he longs to thrill and satisfy. This insecurity drives many a man to find alternatives, so that he knows those options are there as a last resort and that they will truly satisfy his wife. The dilemma is that if this works, your husband’s increased security would be undone if he felt that in your eyes a dildo could do a better job than him.

So far more important – and far more difficult – than your willingness to submit to a sex act is your ability to reassure your man in these two areas. Of course, what you feel right before God in physically doing is a factor, but your ability to make your husband feel loved and secure in his relationship with you, and in his ability to satisfy you, is even more important. Adequately conveying this to him, however, is so close to being humanly impossible, that again, prayer and seeking God become critical.

Wrap Up

I’ve tried not to shatter Scripture’s silence. Almighty God longs to share his secrets with you personally. It’s not for me to spoil his delightful surprises. Not only have I no greater potential to hear from God than you and your partner, the Lord usually shares his secrets on a need-to-know basis. Only you need to know the divine artistry of God’s unique solution to your unique marriage. If you’re looking to humans for answers, you’ll be disappointed. If you’re looking to the Lord, you’ll be satisfied.

The breakthrough you need will come not from me, but from the One who gave his all for you. So for this webpage to help, it must be prayed through, not merely read through. Everything you need from God will come, as you release your iron grip on your fears and longings and prejudices, and prayerfully, expectantly and persistently look to your Creator and Savior, resting in the security of his love and power.

Sex will not survive the passing of this planet, but genuine love will thrive for all eternity. Treated wisely, disturbingly different views about marital relations will propel a couple deeper into genuine love for each other and more thrilling intimacy with their Lord. You are exceedingly blessed if you let this be the result of the challenge of having a partner who has different views and longings and inhibitions from yourself.

Through their union with the Designer of their bodies and very Creator of sex, true Christians are uniquely placed to experience the heights of sexual intimacy. While the world resorts to hype, the ultimate belongs to marrieds who yield to Christ. Since sex can never reach its divine potential unless we let its Creator reign over this area of our lives, will you join me right now in prayer for you and your partner?

Precious Lord,

We delight in you as the Source of all beauty and the One who lovingly created us with the ability to experience pleasure. We yield to you, knowing that your wisdom and mind-boggling love for us render you infinitely trustworthy. Through your resolute devotion to us and by suffering unspeakable agonies for us, you have taught us how to love. May we love as you have loved us. As you put our pleasure far above your own, may we likewise put your pleasure far above our own and fall deeper and deeper and deeper in love with you.

I pray that the light of your truth so shine upon my brother and sister that it exposes and dispels every lie and trick of the enemy. Break every fear, inhibition, emotional reaction, and craving that is not of you. Free my brother and sister from anything that would keep them from your best. Fill them with your passion. Open their eyes to the astounding love you have lavished upon them. Cause them to revel in that love, knowing that what they have in each other is as nothing relative to the inexhaustible richness of what they have in you. May they give to you their absolute best and so receive from you your absolute best. And may they continually enjoy a similar exchange with each other.

May each esteem the other higher than themselves. May each be eager for the other to be proved right. Give them enormous patience and deep understanding of each other. Take them deeper into Christlike love; pursuing not the self-seeking pleasure that disappoints but the sacrificial love that brings honor forever. Give them a hunger for your holiness and a revulsion for everything that limits or tarnishes the precious gift of marital union. May they steadfastly refuse to pollute their eyes and hearts with worldliness. May they zealously guard their thoughts and what they let themselves be exposed to. Fill them with a determination to resist every temptation in the power of Jesus. Cause them to so fill their minds with your purity as to flush out every remnant of corruption left by the world. Quieten the screams of their fears and cravings so that they can hear your most intimate whisper. Heal them of past hurts. Deliver them from every memory – everything they have been taught or experienced – that to this very day is robbing them of your best and keeping them from giving their best to each other. May neither of them call unclean what you call clean. Break the power of a misguided conscience and any misgivings that are not from you. May they shun depravity and seek you for divinely inspired, guilt-free creativity in expressing uninhibited delight in each other and celebrating your gift to them. Release them into the fullness of your blessing, while teaching them to rule with you and not fall into slavery to pleasure. Cause them to find total fulfillment in each without becoming like those whose lives are so inferior that they act as if there is little more to life than sex.

As this couple seek resolution of their different views may they find not some uneasy compromise, but your holy will. May they persist until they attain not only the perfection of your will, but press on until your will becomes their greatest delight. Bind them together in holy oneness. Make them steadfast in their fierce devotion to their Lord and to each other. Cause them to joy in you and glorify you in everything that they do and say and think.

What sadistic pleasure it would give God’s Enemy to twist sex – God’s exquisitely ingenious way of unifying a married couple – into the very means of dividing that couple. So, my friend, resist the temptation to fight each other. Instead, draw closer than ever to each other and to the Lord as together you fight your common enemy that would dare threaten your union. Through the Lord who laid down his life to make you a victor, you can thwart satanic plans. The very thing that had threatened to divide will result in a deeper union.

Rejoice in God’s goodness, and keep pursuing love – and especially seek the Author of love – and “the God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet” (Romans 16:20). Keep pressing into the heart of God until you can say, “It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us . . .” (Acts 15:28).