Without ever intending to, vast numbers of caring, Bible-loving Christians have slipped from the Bible’s view of grief. They suppose they should be more lion-hearted than David the giant-killer, the man after God’s own heart who, upon finding Ziklag burnt and his family taken captive, wept aloud until there was no strength left in him, before heroically seizing back from the enemy everything that had been stolen (1 Samuel 30:3-19). There are Christians who think they should be less human than Jesus, who often wept, and more spiritual than the Spirit-filled early church. See how the power-packed early church reacted to the death of its first martyr:

Acts 8:2 Godly men buried Stephen and mourned deeply for him.

In contrast to the New Testament’s directive to “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15), many well-meaning Christians think the truly Christian thing to do is to gently chide mourning Christians for not rejoicing. The great apostle Paul, whose references to joy and rejoicing have inspired modern day super saints to think it spiritual to act like robots, spoke often of the tears he shed in his labors for the Lord (Scriptures). What an embarrassment he is to those of us who sincerely think we are following his lead by never showing sorrow. Praisers’ other source of inspiration is, of course, the Psalms that are filled with praise and rejoicing but also filled with strong laments and complaints (e.g. Psalms 6; 10; 12, 13; 38; 51; 55; 60; 70; 74; 79; 80; 83; 88; 123; 137). The Bible has only one hymn book, yet even many of the psalms that end in praise only get there after working their way through grief. Although each completed psalm can be read quickly, it summarizes a real-life emotional journey that surely took considerably longer.

There are those who pride themselves in a form of Christianity devoid of emotion. We truly must love the Lord with our mind and walk by faith, not feelings. However, the greatest commandment is to love God with all our mind and our emotions (heart/soul). Then there are Christians who think themselves more biblical by allowing emotions, but it turns out that they unconsciously go through their Bibles with a black marking pen, blocking out the vast number of references to displaying “negative” emotions. The only emotion they allow is joy.

Praise and rejoicing are, of course, highly biblical, essential ingredients in emotional healing, but the same is true for expressing grief. The Bible’s full teaching is that bereaved Christians should grieve, but not as those who have no hope.

1 Thessalonians 4:13 Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.

Hope lessens grief, but it does not eliminate it.

Here’s how the elders – not the less spiritual ones, but the elders – of the Ephesian church reacted when Paul left them:

Acts 20:37-38 They all wept . . . What grieved them most was his statement that they would never see his face again.

It is both natural and biblical to grieve the departure of loved ones. The reality is that no matter how happy those who have gone are, and how much they gain by the move, we suffer the loss, and to try to live in denial of this reality is not heroic but caving in to social or religious pressure that is not of God.

Ironically, those who refuse to mourn often take much longer to heal, just as someone ignoring a physical wound, acting as if it had never happened, is likely to end up with an infected wound that takes much longer to heal. Those who refuse to grieve – refuse to admit to themselves the extent of their loss and to express that loss – can end up hobbling through life without ever healing. To be authentic Christians is to display the full gamut of God-given emotions.

Passionately in love with their Lord, Paul and the other apostles longed to share in the sufferings of Christ. Since no one loves as deeply as God does, no one grieves as deeply God as he contemplates this hurting world and lost humanity who curse and reject the God who longs to save them. To experience heart-ripping grief is to enter into a unique understanding of the heart of God.

We shrink from tears like a cat from water, but as the old Arab proverb observes, “All sunshine doth a desert make.” In the words of Scripture, there is “a time to mourn” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). Life has its seasons and the dark rainy days that no one wants are essential for fruitfulness. God will turn your “mourning into dancing” (Psalms 30:11 KJV) but for that to happen you must mourn.

There is much evidence that those who confront their inner pain head-on, heal quickest. Inner pain will gradually retreat when we face it, but it will keep haunting us if we run from it.

To live in denial grieves the Spirit of truth. The healing Lord is a God of truth and he ministers in an environment of truth. Have you noticed in the gospels how, before healing them, Jesus often asked sick people what they wanted? As much as Jesus wanted to heal them, their healing hinged on them admitting that they were sick and needed healing. Had they said, “I’m fine,” they would have missed their healing. This principle applies to emotional healing as well as physical healing.

Louise Plaskett wrote to me saying how she had delayed her healing for so many years by suppressing inner pain rather than facing it and grieving it. I asked this creative woman if she could write a poem about this topic and here is her response:

“He who sows in tears, will reap with a joyful cry”

I’ve tried to trust in the God of truth
While clinging to the lies of youth
I’ve tried to learn the truth myself
And put his grace upon the shelf
I’ve listened to those who madly say
“Do not cry, but to him pray”
But for the baptism giving life
The water of tears of grieving strife
Are necessary. He collects and keeps
Every tear an agonized sad soul weeps
To pour out, melting pillar of salt
Resurrection being the final result
And tenderly, as I seek rightly
Humbly in my difficulty
He’ll touch and bring me joy and peace
And promise life that will not cease.

I long for us not to add to people’s burdens by implying that a stiff upper lip is a spiritual duty, or is even helpful. I would be horrified, however, if anyone responded to this webpage by going to the other extreme of looking down on those who find themselves too inhibited to openly grieve. Our emotional response to crises is largely concreted into us during our formative years. Freeing ourselves up in later years is exceedingly difficult and takes more than mere willpower. Those who clam up emotionally suffer enough without anyone compounding it by being critical of their dilemma.

Particularly men from some cultural backgrounds, such as Anglo-Saxon, often feel duty-bound to go to emotionally unhealthy extremes in suppressing their feelings – with the possible exception of anger – when in physical or emotional distress. For every human, our sexual identity is an enormous part of who we are. From birth to death we are stuck with our gender and to feel that we have failed to live up what is expected of our gender is one of the most devastating things we can suffer. Moreover, I’ve discovered that most of us Christians have a subconscious bias towards claiming biblical justification for our hang-ups.

Like so many men, I grew up believing that a man shedding a tear is at least as shamefully abnormal as a woman growing a beard. Real men never cry. On the other hand, I believed Jesus was the perfect man. Eventually one of those beliefs had to go. Nevertheless, the power of one’s formative years is such that despite what my mind might tell me, it is hard to feel inwardly convinced.

Grieving, however, does not necessarily mean crying. It involves acknowledging to oneself the magnitude of one’s loss. Unfortunately, the pressure many men feel never to cry prevents them from even thinking about their loss, lest the mere thought produce tears.

At first guess, one would suppose that the shared grief over the death of a child would bring a husband and wife closer together. Sadly, the opposite usually applies. A major reason for this is that it is normal for people to react to grief in very different ways. Some, for instance, will try to offload pain by talking incessantly about it, whereas others feel they can cope only by never mentioning it. Put a representative from each group together in marriage and one partner will see the other as a continual depressive influence, like a dead weight on someone barely able to keep afloat, while the other partner thinks he/she is married to someone oppressively cold and distant. The tragedy is that each responds to emotional pain in a way that inflames the other’s pain. This calls for great love, understanding and perseverance. Keep pouring out your heart to God, however, and the trial will be shortened.

Whilst it is not biblical to live in denial or try to sidestep grief, neither is it biblical to sidestep praise, nor to make grief our home, rather than merely a place we pass through.

For insight into just how common the shedding of tears is in the Bible, I invite you to glance at the Scriptures listed in Men Crying in the Bible. To see all these Scriptures together is quite impacting.

If you have suffered the loss of an infant through abortion, miscarriage or early death, I suggest reading Is My Baby in Heaven?

For further help and comfort with your grief, read Basking In Infinite Love and then keep following the first link at the end of each article.

For help in wrestling with why we live in a world where tragedies occur, God and Suffering.

Related Pages

Is My Baby in Heaven? Comfort when grieving the loss of a baby due to miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth or the death of an infant.

Basking In Infinite Love Further help and comfort with your grief. Keep following the first link at the end of each article.

God and Suffering Help in wrestling with why we live in a world where tragedies occur.

Not to be sold. © Copyright, 2007, Grantley Morris. Not to be copied in whole or in part without citing this entire paragraph. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings by Grantley Morris available free at the following internet site www.net-burst.net Freely you have received, freely give.