After marrying at age twenty-one, I discovered my husband was a porn addict. So great was his sexual perversity and infidelity that I was at a loss to know what to do to save my marriage. Finally, after five years of marriage, I sought counseling from my church pastor. I had no idea that this man had a history of being a sexual predator. He had been moved from church to church after each report of sexual abuse but no other action was taken, nor was the new congregation warned.

After several counseling sessions he gained my trust. He was twenty years older than me and not only did I look up to him as my pastor, but as a father figure. In hopes of finding healing I told him all about my failing marriage and the abuse I had endured as a child. He took a keen interest in me that made me feel special. I really thought he cared and wanted to help me. His acts of kindness convinced me that I had found a father figure I could trust and who would help me save my marriage and work through my past abuse.

One day he phoned, asking if I could meet him at a nearby restaurant for our counseling session that evening as he could not make it to the church office in time for our scheduled meeting. Without suspecting a thing, I agreed.

When he finally arrived at the restaurant he said he needed to visit a church member in the hospital. He asked, if it wasn’t too much trouble, if I would accompany him so we could talk as he drove. I thought it a bit odd, but I trusted him and thought he was being very kind to visit someone in hospital so late at night. We drove off. He eventually pulled into a hotel parking lot, saying he needed to get something from a family member of the person in hospital to take with us. He asked me to accompany him to the room, as he was worried about leaving me in the parking lot alone. I naively went with him.

We got to the hotel room and to my surprise he had a key and opened the door. He went inside and I followed. Once inside he began kissing me. Shocked and terribly confused, I pushed him away and told him I didn’t understand. He said he was in love with me and had been waiting to tell me. He told me he thought I was the most beautiful woman he ever had seen and that he wanted to make love to me.

I was stunned. I told him I could not do that as I was married and did not have the same feelings towards him. This seemed to make him angry and he became more forceful. Why I did not run out of the room I am not sure. Part of me felt immobilized. I felt obligated to stay and talk him down. After all I did not want to hurt his feelings!

I kept physically fighting him off and telling him that though I respected him as my pastor and as a father figure I wanted him to stop. He pushed me, tore my clothes and raped me. The ugly event seemed to last forever. It was as if I mentally checked out. I remember that it hurt, that I was crying and that he was calling me names like whore and slut and saying many derogatory things about me. As he was violating me there was a knock on the door. Apparently he had this whole thing planned and had invited others to join him. He let four strangers into the room, who all took their turn raping me. They raped me both anally and vaginally. The pain was incredible as they were very rough and forceful. After what seemed like forever I blacked out. I remember the pastor shaking me hard and slapping me across the face. He then shoved down my throat ten or so Excedrin (a medicinal mixture of pain killer and caffeine) so that I would stay awake.

One of the most disturbing things that happened that night is that I had an orgasm. Despite years of marriage, it was my first orgasm ever. It really confused me. I thought some part of me must be mentally sick to have experienced the pleasure of an orgasm during this horrific trauma. My only conclusion was that there was something terribly perverted and wrong with me.

Only now am I discovering that I had completely misunderstood my bodily reaction to such prolonged simulation. At the time, I did not realize that the feeling was a physical response rather than a mental one. And I was only vaguely aware that my inability to escape when the assault began was a reaction to being programmed by abuse during my formative years. In my panic, the part of me that was used to being a victim, took over. Moreover, the transformation of this man from respected authority figure to monster was so sudden and I was in such shock that my mind had not had the time to process this completely unexpected side of him. So part of me still highly esteemed him and did not want to offend him. Not realizing the cause of my physical and emotional reaction to severe trauma, I concluded that I was evil and that God would not want me. I gave up on God and on myself for years to come. I was so dead inside and so disgusted with myself that for four years I continued to do anything that pastor demanded, including prostitution and professional stripping.

The wonderful news is that God brought me out of that situation and is now doing a miraculous work of healing me spiritually, mentally and physically. He never gives up on us even when we give up on him!

No one on this planet is without sin and, because of God, no one is incapable of change. Feeling false guilt over being forced to experience pleasure, however, can cause victims to wrongly conclude that they must be so evil that they might as well give up trying to do what is right. It would be a tragedy if you fell for this lie, because through God you can achieve enormous good. To discover how this is possible, see The Perfect Partner.

Related Page

The Dilemma of Feeling Pleasure When Abused

The Journey to Healing

Bookmark, or note the address of this webpage. These links are so important that you will want to keep returning until you have visited them all.

Discovering that you don’t hate God after all

In your pain it was natural for you to lash out at the hideous, unfeeling monster you supposed was God. The God you thought you hated is just a figment of your tormented imagination. It’s time you met the real God – your Healer.

Just as there are things about its loving mother that a tiny child cannot comprehend, mysteries remain when we try to understand the infinitely superior mind of God. Nevertheless, the following webpages will help.

Where was God when you suffered unspeakable horrors?

Why would a God of love allow suffering?

God’s plans for you are comforting, not fearful

If anyone has reason to hate God, it’s Sue

Life’s Mysteries Explained

Discovering God’s love for you

Tragically, so many people bungle through life living shallow, wasted lives. Through Jesus we can leave behind a meaningless life of selfishness headed for endless regret. We can choose a life in which every second counts for all eternity, achieving the highest good in union with the God who made you and loves you more than life itself. Life can be crammed with so many urgent things that we forget the really important ones. Don’t let this wonderful opportunity slip from your grasp. Make life’s most important issue top priority.

You Can Find Love: What your fantasies reveal A most significant webpage

The key to supernatural healing Why Christ’s suffering can change your life.

God as Mother Feminine aspects of God. Healing for those whose father let them down.

You are loved When you can’t feel God’s love

Release from blaming yourself

Handling guilt is the first of many helpful and encouraging webpages about overcoming guilt feelings. Follow the links.

Overcoming feelings of worthlessness

To God, you are special

Power to escape the trap of bitterness

Should you forgive your abuser?

This most serious, often misunderstood, issue is carefully examined in two special webpages listed below. It is vital for your healing that you read them. So much hinges on this delicate matter.

I am convinced that just as martyrs are especially honored in heaven, so are those who have suffered greatly and yet have forgiven.

Forgiving others is tough. It is so critical to our own emotional and spiritual well being that our spiritual enemy strongly attacks us on this issue. Nevertheless, divine help is available.

People suffering great difficulty in forgiving others usually have as the basis of their agony the (sometimes subconscious) pain of having great difficulty forgiving themselves. The two sides of forgiveness – forgiving yourself and forgiving others – rise or fall together. Many people raging against someone else’s guilt are pressured by a subconscious urge to keep suppressed the tortured screams of their own conscience. Peace soothes our troubled mind when we dwell on the extent of the forgiveness and purity that we have in Christ. When we realize how much God has forgiven us, it becomes easier to act more Godlike and have that same forgiving attitude towards ourselves and others. For this reason, I recommend beginning with the webpages about handling guilt.

Breaking the stranglehold of bitterness:

Unforgivable!

Lord make him regret what he did to me!

Recovery from sexual abuse

“I had always thought it was my fault!”

It is common for people to wrongly be convinced that they were to blame for being molested as a child. The more certain you are that it was your fault, the more you need to read Why children mistakenly believe they have “seduced” sex offenders.

Vent your Anger

What the person who hurt you deserves. The execution of justice on your behalf. Turning hate into healing. A moving, enlightening and therapeutic experience that could forever change your life.

Sweet revenge!

Why Me?

Tragically, sexual abuse increases one's vulnerability to more abuse. The following links explore reasons for this.

Why abuse survivors attract the wrong sort of people Predators hunt the wounded

Why bad things keep happening to some people

Overcoming destructive thinking

Whether it be the desire to hurt yourself, or to hate yourself, or to hate others, it is a temptation.

Becoming a Winner! begins a series of webpages about overcoming temptation. Follow the links.

Memories

When you can’t remember

God has far more healing options than any earthly therapist. He knows your past. He has the power, if he chooses, to heal you without bringing best-forgotten memories to your consciousness. Even under professional guidance, it may not necessarily be wise to try to dredge up painful memories. I suggest you prayerfully seek God’s guidance before proceeding down that path. See Splinters of the Cross for the way one woman found healing.

When you can’t forget

When haunted by memories, or terrorized by flashbacks

Learning to appreciate your sexuality

It is natural that anyone for whom sex has been a source of suffering would to some extent resent the fact that God made us sexual beings.

Celebrate your sexuality This webpage is intended particularly for singles but could help anyone for whom sex has unpleasant memories.

How holy wives express marital love

This, of course, is intended for wives or women close to marriage. There are some useful thoughts there, but expect many of the suggestions to be beyond what you are presently capable of doing.

When You Don’t Want Marital Relations

It might be so severe that you are determined never to marry, or maybe it is just that an aspect of the physical side of marriage makes you feel a little uncomfortable, but an almost inevitable consequence of sexual trauma is a lowered enjoyment of sex. You deserve the full restoration of the ability to enjoy marital relations. There is a web series specifically written to help you:

When a Woman Doesn’t Want Sex

Lost virginity

The enormity of God’s forgiveness makes all of his children chaste virgins in his sight, but how would a potential Christian marriage partner see you?

Who says Christian men prefer women who are physically virgins?

Lost Virginity Can Be Restored

Handling Depression

Dark Blessings Follow the links.

When you can’t feel God

Spiritual Wilderness Survival Guide

The Healing Secrets of 7 Abused Women

Mary Lee: My Miraculous Healing from Child Abuse

Healing from sexual abuse: A Significant Testimony

For the abused: A Beautiful Poem by a sexually abused woman

Patti Willis: A Testimony of Hope

Mary Lawrence Comm: Splinters from the Cross

Sexual abuse led to substance abuse: I was Gang Raped

Finding answers to hate and anger: If Anyone has Reason to Hate God, it’s Sue

Personalized support

E-mail Grantley Morris, the author of these webpages: healing@net-burst.net

How to copy or print webpages

Change of pace

Exciting webpages by Grantley Morris on many other subjects

Stimulating, compassionate, often humorous, webpages

My Shame The limitations of these webpages